conversation happening behind me right now

boy - let's watch bruce almighty

girl - no. that movie has bad words.

boy - i know, but isn't it funny?

girl - yes. okay, but remember, don't say any of those words.

boy - I KNOW! I won't say those words.

(boy getting movie ready)

girl - i really think we should just watch star wars.

boy - no. i'm not going to say those words, so don't worry about it.

girl - okay. (long pause) why isn't bruce almighty starting?

(greeeaaaaat. i'm glad to know they both have such great self control.)

boy - oh. wait. i think there is something on the disc. (wipes disc) yeah, there's a smear. i'll try it one more time.

girl - (angry voice) I DIDN'T TOUCH IT

boy - (equally angry voice) I DIDN'T SAY YOU DID

boy - yeah, bruce almighty is ruined.

girl - (sad voice) yeah, bruce almighty is ruined.

boy - look mom, what's on here?

(neither child notices i'm typing about them, i stop to wipe off disc)

boy - let's just watch liar liar

me - here, try it again

the mister (coming down stairs with laundry i refuse to do) - girl! why isn't your dress on? you can't be in your underwear all day!

me - fine, i'll go bathe the girl and get her dressed.

blog post over.

arrivederci, rebecca marie

just telling you all helped, that makes you all awesome

so i did it. just now. i called kaiser and made an appointment. i used the fact that i still don't have a lot of feeling my thumb, well, the right side of it lengthwise, anyway, as a buffer for the call. i've been needing to deal with that for a while anyway, and it made the call easier.

i went with the appointment a bit farther out, so that i could finally meet my primary care doctor. i just don't generally go to the doctor, so it's been two years and i've not met her. i figured that since this might turn into a continuing care type situation, i may as well meet the lady who will be dealing with me and all that that implies.

i could never begin to express what all of your support in regard to my last post meant to me. why it felt safe to tell you all, i have no idea. i suppose i just wanted you all to know that i am a real person. i know that you KNOW that, but i kind of wanted to let you in. not only did i receive more support than i could have imagined in my comments, but i also got two amazing emails from people that really spoke to me.

kay... let's talk treatment for a minute. to the two of you unafraid to discuss dietary options, you are my heroines. this is actually my preferred method of treatment, and i imagine a not too distant future full of conversations with both of you (as a matter of fact, you both live north of the columbia from me, so maybe i'll take you both to lunch when i'm ready to try that method.). for now though, i think i need immediate help, and i feel REALLY good about admitting that. it's odd, i always figured if i did something like this, i'd need it to be private. as it turns out, i need you all. praise God for all of you. and i mean it.

okay, i need to get going... i'm taking the spawn to the free movies (thank you regal for caring about families) with the sister and her fam. how lovely. then i'm going to see some kittens, compliments of breanna.

and because we are all voyeuers to some extent (or we wouldn't be reading each others blogs), here's a picture of the guest room mattress on the living room floor. you do what you gotta do when the internal temp in your home is over a hundred (it didn't register on my thermostat, so i don't know how over, probably only 101, but still...). yes, that's my girl child on the mattress, so you finally get to meet her. the boy child was upstairs in the shower, cause, you know, boys stink.



arrivederci, rebecca marie

warning, road work ahead

i think you should all prepare yourselves. i think that this blog may be evolving into a blog where i actually talk about myself. like, tell you personal things and maybe even show you pictures. i know, weird.

the thing is, as it turns out, i'm suffering (?) from depression for the first time in my life. the reason for the question mark is this. i'm not altogether sure that there is any suffering involved. i actually quite enjoy it on some levels. the hostility is delightful. i've rarely felt so hostile, and i can't believe how great it is.

oh oh oh, before i tell you too much, and make you all like sad for me and stuff, just be sure you read correctly what i said. depression, like the medical/chemical kind, is what i think i have. not sadness. i am still a generally happy person. i'm not going to kill myself (or the mister, or the spawn) or anything, i'm still like, bathing. i feed the children and even the fish and frog. i brush my hair and teeth. i just, you know, can't really deal with stuff. for example; someone accidentally lost the picture that was my wallpaper on my computer. a year ago, i would have just said "oh, no problem at all." now, i like, freaked. granted, it was an internal freak out, but it was written all over my face. i usta be able to mask that kind of reaction. those types of skills are gone. and i don't do things i want to do sometimes. like get together with friends and return phone calls and stuff. it's easier to think "wouldn't it be fun to have lori ann over," or "i really should return kristi's call about PSP," that type of thing. i want to do those things, but sometimes staring at the phone or computer is as far as i am capable of taking the thought.

for several months now, i've been trying to simpify my life, thinking that would fix it. it hasn't. i thought janni laine coming home would fix it. nope, nada. i thought backing off as the womens ministry chick at church would help. nuh uh. as it tuns out, i'm just on the brink of a nervous break down is all.

the thing is, i'm looking forward to the breakdown. i think it will be GREAT. i want someone to record it when it happens, so that i can watch later. i want to see how it shakes down, for real. also, i want the not caring anymore part to happen. i think that will be real boss, too.

for now, i'm just taking it day by day, and being consistantly more facsinated by the fact that i may need to medicate. i'm pretty against it, but mental illness runs in my family (like, scary mental illness) so i'm not going to take any chances.

so in the meantime, here is a picture of the pile of laundry on my kitchen counter that i have no intention of folding any time soon. that's the kind of order my life has these days. i keep my laundry in the kitchen in front of the coffee pot.



also, seriously folks. none of this was said for anyone to worry about me, or feel bad for me in any way. i'm okay, i really am. i just felt like telling the internet about it. i may delete this post in like an hour... i just don't know.

arrivederci, rebecca marie

(on an unrelated note, no matter how bad a coffee/icecream/ice blended thingie sounds, i have too much pride, as a fat girl, to be seen with a beverage called a "moolatte.")

churchie churchie churchie

disclaimer - this post is actually about me, not about rebecca marie

you know what stinks? when the church that was once the perfect fit for your family isn't anymore. it is almost like losing a member of your family, or forty or so members of your family, as the case may be.

spiritually, my family has grown sooooo much in the last four years. leaps and bounds. exponential type growth. but we've realized that lately we haven't been experiencing that type of growth anymore. it's not a good feeling, no siree, not even a little.

so here's our plan. we're gonna warm pews for a while.

here is my personal opinion on how you should decide which churches to visit. decide as a family or as a couple, or as a person how far you are willing to drive on a regular basis for corporate worship and for other types of fellowship (home groups, youth group, someone who needs help moving, all of it). visit every church that is even vaguely intriguing to you in that radius. i'm not kidding. don't take someone else's word for it in regard to whether or not a church is worth visiting, find out for yourself! i would even suggest that all of you visit the church we are leaving if you decide to look around. what isn't the perfect fit for me and mine may be the perfect fit for you.

there are a few places i have in mind for starters. we are heading to southwest this sunday because it feels very safe to us. we know quite a few people there (who'm i kidding, i know lots of people at practically every c-o-c in the area) and no one likes to walk in a be the stranger. i'd like to head back to eastside, my home before i started this church planting adventure. i've been wanting to visit at renovatus since launch sunday, but as all of the renovators know, it's a huge big deal to miss even one week at a fledgling plant, it's not like losing a fingernail from the body when someone is missing. it's like losing a whole arm, so i've yet to visit there, even though i really want to. i want to check out cross roads. again, it's mostly the pull of friends. we hope to spend some time fellowshipping with the clarks at agape, before and after it's up and running. i could continue, but i think you get the idea.

and you know what? we are probably going to visit some (gasp) non-c-o-c churches!!! we at the rm house are pretty firm believers that we are not the only ones going to heaven. we think some other churches are doing things the way God wants them to, too. we even think that some other types of churches are getting it a little better at it these days, but that's a whole 'nother post, and probably not one for this blog anyway.

here's my hope, my dream, my most sincere prayer. i'm looking for a church that feels like church. not like a church. but like the church. like the church where jesus is. i've got an amazing thing going in my family, and we need to nurture it. we need to worship with people who will help us with that. i've got this sincerely awesome husband who not only spiritually leads my family but does it in a way that doesn't make me feel bossed. i've got this son who spouts off bible facts like an encyclopedia, and it makes me so proud i could burst. and i've got this daughter who is so much more spiritual than i am that it puts me to shame... (just real quick, two things; she prayed for me the other night, spontaneously. i wasn't feeling well and went to bed early. she sat on my bed and sang to me and told me stories. when i said that i needed go to sleep now and closed my eyes she said "holy God, please help my mommy to sleep good." she asked me about "babatism" yesterday. i explained to her what baptism was and she said she wants to do it. i told her in the meantime to invite jesus into her heart and as long as she wants him there, he will stay, she said "brother jesus, please live in my heart forever!" she is only four.)

i told my minister last night that we were leaving. he didn't ask why, he did ask "what type of church are you looking for?" i said "i don't know. we'll know when we get there."

so, tell me... what will me and the mister find at your church? why should we visit with you? why have you made your home your home? i really really really want to know. for reals.

(on an unrelated note... pray for my dad and my family. his mom died about an hour ago and my heart is broken for him. i know there will come a time when most of us won't have a mom and i don't think any of us are looking forward to it. my dad is one of the coolest people i know, and i hate that he is hurting. his name is mike holden, if you like to have a name when you are praying.)



arrivederci, rebecca marie

because you wanted to see it

for mia - the super blurry cd collection

(this represents about two thirds of it... the other third is strewn about the house and cars)



for gina - my closet, in two halves

(gina... the polka dotted dress is the one i wore to jr./sr.)





for jason - the tolstoy room

from two angles! (and as i take the pictures really-and-for-truly as is, there is even a dirty wash cloth in the sink!)





for anonymous - my sock drawer

which is really my sock/underwear/bra/camisole/tights drawer and i never organize it.

(by the way, anonymous, i really like your poetry)



for janni laine - my lipstick blot and my ear





for breanna - kind of my favorite snacking food

(i am not currently in possesion of my real favorite, so you get to see some things that i kind of like, a nectarine, sunflower seeds, pickles and colored marshmallows, which should be spelled marshmellows, as mallow sounds yicky)



for rebecca - my favorite place to sit while watching television



for sarah - my silverware drawer



for punkin - the console of my car

since you didn't specify what messy area you'd like... you get this. you're lucky you didn't get me on a level ten sarcasm day, i'd've given you the inside of my trash can. (and i know you said "part of your house" but these days, i practically live in my car, and i just cleaned house this morning...)



arrivederci, rebecca marie

much ado about nothing

this one time i used to get my nails done by jeff gilooly's wife. you know, he's the one who was married to tanya harding and they paid some people to whack nancy kerrigan. anyway, he changed his name to jeff stone and he and his second wife, nancy nichole sharkey opened a salon in se portland called nancy nichole's and nancy used to do my nails and i always thought it was weird to be having a manicure and there's jeff gilooly, standing behind the counter, folding towells for the tanning bed.

there are a lot of annoying things, like warm toilet seats, emergency broadcast system tests, not having any a-1 when the mister just barbequed you up a nice piece of beef carcass, stuff like that. but nothing is annoying in the same way as trying to pull up your underoos when you're not quite all the way dry from your shower.

some awesome people and me and the mister and the spawn went to see harry potter and the sorcerers stone at esther short park the other day. some other people didn't. they suck*. and, cooincidentally, they missed a sweet hobo fight/make up hug. they also missed an awesome one liner by rebecca marie that i will not be repeating here (something about phase three in the hobo fight/make up hug fiasco).

rebecca was telling me about this blog that she reads where the person who writes it offered to take pictures of their life and post them. like, at readers requests. people asked to see stuff like, the inside of the blog owners fridge, or their favorite outfit. i thought that sounded like a real boss idea, so if there is something you want to see... just tell me. i'll show you. for reals.

for starters, here's the inside of my desk drawer, and part of my leg. you know, cause i'm sure you were curious.



arrivederci, rebecca marie

*they totally don't suck, i'm sure... not that i would know for sure, as they didn't allow me the priveledge of judging for myself. hopefully soon i'll be able to tell you with certainty.

i'm totally uncomfortable about this

i am incapable of going number two without reading. seriously. i can totally make a pee pee without reading. but no way no how can i do a b.m. without reading material. and, i know i'm not the only one. i remember once my cousin was running around our living room frantically shouting, "oh no! i need something to read! quick! quick!!" we all scrambled to give her something, i think she ended up with an outdated t.v. guide. fine... better than a shampoo bottle. we all got it, is the thing. evacuating with reading material beats evacuating without almost every time.

i like me a good meaty read. i generally have three books going at once. now is no exception. my current bedside book is the complete works of jane austin. my current around the house book is the newest katie fforde. my current bathroom book? anna karenina by leo tolstoy. i need SERIOUS reading for when i dook it out. especially considering i have (not for the feint of heart) chronic dinah-whatchacal-reena, and have had five surgeries on ye olde rectum. chances are, if i head in there, i'll be taking my time. hence tolstoy for my bathroom book.

sometimes i screw up the system though, in one of two ways. the first and more common way is when i make the mistake of picking up the meaty bathroom read when all i have to do is make a tinkle. tolstoy and the like are not meant to be digested by the paragraph. inevitably i'll need to re-read the wee wee section next time i visit the ladies to make a poopie.

the second mistake i make is overall unpreparedness. seriously folks, the back of a toothpaste tube is not good big potty reading. nor is the three month old box of hair dye. or the hairspray can. or the comet. when these have been read, i tend to go for the drawers that are in reach. if i am a guest in someone's home, their drawers are NOT safe if they did not provide reading material (i'll take fox and hound in a pinch...{get it? in a pinch? he he he}). i'll reeeeaaaach awkwardly for the drawer, slide it open as quietly as possible and reach in. some real gems can be found, anti-fungal cream, denture cleaner, condom instructions, tampon instructions. i must say i'm a huge fan of instructions. those take the longest to read.

i actually think that at this point i'm the same as the pavlovian dogs. only instead of salivating at the sound of a bell, i can only, uhm, you know... poooop while reading. i'm just afraid someday the training will be complete and i'll poop everytime i read. i'll thank heavens for depends, when the time comes, i suppose.



arrivederci, rebecca marie

p.s. i do not have a pink toiley, although i so totally wish i did. also, i really can't believe i am posting this, as i don't even, uhm... pooh-tat in front of the mister.

the post which goes nowhere

remember when i used to post regularly? that was awesome.

recently overheard at my house, "will i be four for like seventyhundred weeks?"

i dreamed last night about cabs called "safety jets." they were these big blue cars that looked like men in zoot suits should jump out with tommy guns. they were safe 1) because they were HUGE and 2) because there were cameras inside that fed to moniters on the bumpers so everyone could see what was happening inside the cab. doesn't seem so safe to me... i'd be so busy watching what was happening inside the cab that i'd be the one to rear-end it.

i'm making myself late to real-becca's house because of this post. greeeaaaat.

i made you all a drawing in under five seconds. it is the best picture of ever.

maybe i'll blog for real soon. maybe.



arrivederci, rebecca marie