i found in my pursuit of God that He was much more hotly in pursuit of me.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

injustice is served

‘Member how exciting school supplies were? All of those pristine number twos with virgin erasers, the brand new (cardboard, not that plastic crap of today) pencil box, un-deadly scissors, glue, all of it was downright magical.

Well, Janni Laine was two grades ahead of me, so for TWO WHOLE YEARS I had to watch her get the booty. Watch her walk to school with her friends. Watch her use and abuse the beautiful supplies. It was a long and tragic two years.

So imagine my glee when I finally arrived at August, 1978. It. Was. My. Turn. I went shopping at Gladstone Thriftway for all of my beautiful supplies. It was as if all my birthdays and Christmases came in one day. The crowning glory of the lot was my purple plastic ruler. That’s right. A purple plastic ruler. No wooden piece of garbage for me. I was ready to begin my training for future MENSA membership.

Until Janni Laine ruined it all. Yes. RUINED. She chose five minutes before we needed to walk out the door as her moment. She decided to misbehave. My mother, in a scramble for an appropriate tool, grabbed my ruler. As you probably assume, purple plastic rulers do not hold up as spanking implements. My ruler was a loss.

I’m still incomplete.

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arrivederci, rebecca marie

Saturday, July 23, 2005

bunny rules the school and the garden behind the agri building

Have you ever been lucky enough to meet someone who has the ability to glean humour from every situation? I mean like, can turn a trip to the market for tampons into a whirlwind adventure? No, no. Other than me. I know you are all shouting, “yes! I do know someone like that! I know Rebecca Marie!” I’m not even talking about Janni Laine right now.

I’m talking about Bunny.

You or I could go to the market to purchase a five-pound bag of carrots, some hare cream and some “everybunny loves pink” nail varnish for our paws and come home with nothing to mention. But not Bunny. No. Bunny would find adventure around every corner.

She’d say that the smell of the bus, reminiscent of Marvin’s feet, was made up for by the advertisement she saw featuring Hardy, selling electric toothbrushes. She’d say that the produce manager offered her a class on how to make a bikini out of lettuce. She’d say that the woman behind the beauty counter didn’t even notice her until she leaped higher and higher and HIGHER, she just couldn’t see her over the size of her man made, uhm… She’d say that on her way to buy the hare cream she had to bite Jase and Savage in the ankles because they were bickering over the best gel to hold their mandanas in place. She’d say that the checker offered to split his paycheck with her if she could guess her total without going over. She’d also, I’m sure of it, write a song about it;

Here’s a story, of a girl called Bunny,
Who was headed to the store one Saturday.
She was out of her sweet beloved carrots
She ate them every day.

Here’s a story, of a store called Safeway,
That was full of tons of stuff this rabbit wants.
So she’ll get that cute young boy to push her trolley,
And she’ll enjoy her little jaunt.

When she gets home she’ll eat up all her carrots,
Then she’ll paint her toenails delightfully in pink.
Then she’ll write about it for all of the junkies,
Who followed RM’s link...

So, if you are a fan of Big Brother, which I shamelessly am, go! Now! Read Bunny’s delicious take on the best reality show this side of Survivor, oh, and Amazing Race. Well, the best reality show of the summer, anyway.

Bunny, you are comprised of awesome!

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arrivederci, rebecca marie

Thursday, July 21, 2005

best quote of july, 2005

I'm not going to tell you where this occured, or to whom this person was speaking (one hint, it wasn't me), but I was lucky enough to over hear this today. You just cannot argue with logic like this. Don't even try.

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arrivederci, rebecca marie

if you don't know me, don't call me

So here's why I'm not a big fan of whoever had my new number before me.

This is a transcript of the phone call that I just received;

Me – Hello?

Annoying person that I feel slightly sorry for because of how she has to make a living, from here forward known as “Sheila” – Hello, this is Sheila

Me – Hi?

Sheila – I’m calling from the chiropractic office located on Molalla (mow-lah-luh) Avenue in Oregon (ore-EE-gone) City.

Me – Well, you’re clearly not calling from Oregon City or you would know how to pronounce Oregon.

Sheila – What did I say?

Me – You said “ore-EE-gone.” Oregon is pronounced, “ORE-ih-guhn,” not “ore-EE-gone.”

Sheila – Oh, did I say “ore-EE-gone?”

Me – Yes, you did.

Sheila – Well, I’m actually from a call center.

Me – Well, I’m actually not interested, good bye.

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arrivederci, rebecca marie

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

she's a rebel and she'll never ever be any good

"she's not a rebel, nuh nuh no. she's not a rebel nuh nuh no, to meeeeee..."

(my apologies if you don't know that song...)

When I was like, oh, fiveish, and Janni Laine was like sevenish, we were criminals and vandals.

We broke into Ralph and Vi Lumper's house next door and stole barbie shoes and (are you ready) peed on their couch.

Yeah, we got caught. The grown-ups were not pleased. Luckily, we were reformed. I purchase all of my belongings now, and I don't pee on couches anymore.

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arrivederci, rebecca marie

Monday, July 18, 2005

of dreams, dissention, destruction and dessert

I had two strange dreams last night. Well, two that I can recall.

Dream numero uno. My friend Bree is pregnant. I was thinking about her quite a bit yesterday, because she felt the baby move yesterday, and I was oh so very excited for her. In my dream, she had decided to start buying formula for the baby (why is it called “formula,” by the way? Isn’t that an odd word for “baby food?”). Now, she is just about halfway through the pregnancy so it would be a bit premature to start buying formula. In my dream, she sent her husband and father out to the grocery to make the purchase. They came home with (gasp) generic formula. She went totally gunnybag on them and would not let it go. We could not convince her (suddenly I was there, you know how dreams go) that generic was not only absolutely nutritionally sound, but also half the price. I refrained from reminding her that she was planning on nursing the baby.

Dream B. Someone went into my garage and messed with my movie star doll collection. Whoever the criminal mastermind was ruined Ms. Monroe’s hair by putting it all up into a pineapple ponytail, thus ruining my chances of someday selling it for a cool mil.

Moral of the story? Bargain shopping yes! Nursing, yes! Eating ice cream sandwiches before bed cause it’s all the hot out, noooooo. Also, keep your filthy mitts off my toys.

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arrivederci, rebecca marie

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

and now some fun facts about pepper spray

Pepper spray enables you to defend yourself while keeping a safe distance from an attacker.

A one second burst to the face will cause temporary blindness, choking, coughing, and nausea-bringing the attacker to his knees.

The active ingredient in our spray is Oleoresin Capsicum (O.C.), commonly referred to as red pepper.

(i have an unnatural fascination with watching people get maced. for obvious reasons, i don't own any)

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arrivederci, rebecca marie

Monday, July 11, 2005

how to win friends and influence people - by rebecca marie

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but I am a reality TV (read: unscripted TV, there is nothing real about it…) junkie. I used to watch most of them, but have successfully weeded a few out. I never watched American Idol. I do enjoy a few minutes of the first few episodes each season, but once the talent gets good, you lose me. I religiously watched The Bachelor when it was first out, I mean, clear back to Alex Michelle, the gay (just Janni Laine's and my opinion) bachelor. But I stopped watching after The Bachelorette with Meredith. It was just too sleepie-aroundie for me to justify watching. I loved The Mole, and was devastated to find out that Anderson Cooper was given an ultimatum and chose CNN. Dumb Jerk. The Amazing Race is, in fact, amazing. My summer events are plotted around Big Brother. And I’m one of the remaining three percent of the population that is still not over Survivor. I’m sure I’ll watch that until it finally dies a slow, painful death.

Here’s what I’m thinking. Let’s all form alliances. Far as I can tell, it’s the best way to get away with lying-cheating-stealing and still keep your friends. It’s like a get out of jail card. Like, I could form an alliance with Tabitha, and then tell horrible lies to my very good friend Rebecca. “I know I said I’d come over and help you yesterday, Rebecca, but I got a call from Tabitha that she had a flat tire and I needed to help her.” Then, when Rebecca finds out that Tabitha and me were sucking on slurpees at Lloyd Center, watching ice skaters fall down, I could just say, “oh, sorry Rebecca, we will be friends forever, but I have an alliance with Tabitha.” (she never would've found out, by the way, except she's in an alliance with Ryan and he saw us and ratted us out.)

Or, if Sarah is coming to town, and I don’t have time to clean my house, Breanna can secretly come over and clean my house, and then I can take aaaaall the credit because we have an alliance.

Or, Tim can drive the getaway car when Shanna I rob a bank, cause that’s what you do in an alliance. Probably, he’ll go down and serve prison time, cause when you are in an alliance, and you get caught, you do tend to get voted off. It’s a calculated risk. If it pays off, you don’t go to prison, instead you earn the awe and respect of your friends. “What? You only pretended to like me to get promoted? Well played, bravo.”

Yeah, alliances. I definitely think we need to bring this gem into the real world.

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arrivederci, rebecca marie

Thursday, July 07, 2005

daily trivia by rebecca marie - volume IIIII

Who is so physically tired from moving that her ankles won't bend, needs a haircut and has internet again?

The answer is me.

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arrivederci, rebecca marie

Sunday, July 03, 2005

my no blogie

my internet went bye bye. see you again next weekend, cruel world.

arrivederci, rebecca marie

also? did i mention? moving sucks.

Friday, July 01, 2005

feast your eyes upon this

I told you I was moving, right? Well, just lookie what Breanna and I found.

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If you are planning any interstellar travel, I'd carry this with you. I think it's like a greencard in outerspace.

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Here we have the every day sized Annie, and the travel sized Annie with bonus Punjab.

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I pity the fool who bought this doll at Universal Studios when she was twelve. Wait, that was me.

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I suddenly feel like wearing all of my diamonds to a clam bake.

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She's a little bit country and he's a little bit rock and roll (i apologize for going with the obvious, but really, what other route was there?).

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I'm sorry. I really shouldn't have made you look at that.

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"Hey! Tom Cruise! You and your Scientology can kiss off, I'll take anti-depressants if I want to!"

and finally,

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"Rebecca Marie's blog is DY NO MITE! You should read it everyday, EVERY DAY."

Okay, back to packing.

arrivederci, rebecca marie