warning, road work ahead

i think you should all prepare yourselves. i think that this blog may be evolving into a blog where i actually talk about myself. like, tell you personal things and maybe even show you pictures. i know, weird.

the thing is, as it turns out, i'm suffering (?) from depression for the first time in my life. the reason for the question mark is this. i'm not altogether sure that there is any suffering involved. i actually quite enjoy it on some levels. the hostility is delightful. i've rarely felt so hostile, and i can't believe how great it is.

oh oh oh, before i tell you too much, and make you all like sad for me and stuff, just be sure you read correctly what i said. depression, like the medical/chemical kind, is what i think i have. not sadness. i am still a generally happy person. i'm not going to kill myself (or the mister, or the spawn) or anything, i'm still like, bathing. i feed the children and even the fish and frog. i brush my hair and teeth. i just, you know, can't really deal with stuff. for example; someone accidentally lost the picture that was my wallpaper on my computer. a year ago, i would have just said "oh, no problem at all." now, i like, freaked. granted, it was an internal freak out, but it was written all over my face. i usta be able to mask that kind of reaction. those types of skills are gone. and i don't do things i want to do sometimes. like get together with friends and return phone calls and stuff. it's easier to think "wouldn't it be fun to have lori ann over," or "i really should return kristi's call about PSP," that type of thing. i want to do those things, but sometimes staring at the phone or computer is as far as i am capable of taking the thought.

for several months now, i've been trying to simpify my life, thinking that would fix it. it hasn't. i thought janni laine coming home would fix it. nope, nada. i thought backing off as the womens ministry chick at church would help. nuh uh. as it tuns out, i'm just on the brink of a nervous break down is all.

the thing is, i'm looking forward to the breakdown. i think it will be GREAT. i want someone to record it when it happens, so that i can watch later. i want to see how it shakes down, for real. also, i want the not caring anymore part to happen. i think that will be real boss, too.

for now, i'm just taking it day by day, and being consistantly more facsinated by the fact that i may need to medicate. i'm pretty against it, but mental illness runs in my family (like, scary mental illness) so i'm not going to take any chances.

so in the meantime, here is a picture of the pile of laundry on my kitchen counter that i have no intention of folding any time soon. that's the kind of order my life has these days. i keep my laundry in the kitchen in front of the coffee pot.



also, seriously folks. none of this was said for anyone to worry about me, or feel bad for me in any way. i'm okay, i really am. i just felt like telling the internet about it. i may delete this post in like an hour... i just don't know.

arrivederci, rebecca marie

(on an unrelated note, no matter how bad a coffee/icecream/ice blended thingie sounds, i have too much pride, as a fat girl, to be seen with a beverage called a "moolatte.")