i'm totally uncomfortable about this

i am incapable of going number two without reading. seriously. i can totally make a pee pee without reading. but no way no how can i do a b.m. without reading material. and, i know i'm not the only one. i remember once my cousin was running around our living room frantically shouting, "oh no! i need something to read! quick! quick!!" we all scrambled to give her something, i think she ended up with an outdated t.v. guide. fine... better than a shampoo bottle. we all got it, is the thing. evacuating with reading material beats evacuating without almost every time.

i like me a good meaty read. i generally have three books going at once. now is no exception. my current bedside book is the complete works of jane austin. my current around the house book is the newest katie fforde. my current bathroom book? anna karenina by leo tolstoy. i need SERIOUS reading for when i dook it out. especially considering i have (not for the feint of heart) chronic dinah-whatchacal-reena, and have had five surgeries on ye olde rectum. chances are, if i head in there, i'll be taking my time. hence tolstoy for my bathroom book.

sometimes i screw up the system though, in one of two ways. the first and more common way is when i make the mistake of picking up the meaty bathroom read when all i have to do is make a tinkle. tolstoy and the like are not meant to be digested by the paragraph. inevitably i'll need to re-read the wee wee section next time i visit the ladies to make a poopie.

the second mistake i make is overall unpreparedness. seriously folks, the back of a toothpaste tube is not good big potty reading. nor is the three month old box of hair dye. or the hairspray can. or the comet. when these have been read, i tend to go for the drawers that are in reach. if i am a guest in someone's home, their drawers are NOT safe if they did not provide reading material (i'll take fox and hound in a pinch...{get it? in a pinch? he he he}). i'll reeeeaaaach awkwardly for the drawer, slide it open as quietly as possible and reach in. some real gems can be found, anti-fungal cream, denture cleaner, condom instructions, tampon instructions. i must say i'm a huge fan of instructions. those take the longest to read.

i actually think that at this point i'm the same as the pavlovian dogs. only instead of salivating at the sound of a bell, i can only, uhm, you know... poooop while reading. i'm just afraid someday the training will be complete and i'll poop everytime i read. i'll thank heavens for depends, when the time comes, i suppose.



arrivederci, rebecca marie

p.s. i do not have a pink toiley, although i so totally wish i did. also, i really can't believe i am posting this, as i don't even, uhm... pooh-tat in front of the mister.