stupid madonna is ruining my fun

i'm mad at dumb old madonna.

if *I* was wearing these arm warmers in JANUARY...



and now *MADONNA* is wearing some...




does that mean that *I* have to stop?

washed up old madonna.

arrivederci, rebecca marie

a-ha! finally, i understand what's REALLY going on!

arrivederci, rebecca marie

on to victory urge the heroes...

of our mighty OREGON!

opening weekend is in five days!

can i get a "what? what?"




















arrivederci,

rebecca marie

another reason i hate summer

you know how some people are so allergic to bees that they have to carry an epinephrine shot kit around with them? well that's how i used to be with mosquitoes. i THOUGHT i had outgrown that allergy... i think mayhap it's a commin' back.

check out my paw.

first i'll show you a side by side of my normal wrinkly old hand and my mosquito bitten hand.

then, i'll show you a positively disgusting one of me trying to make a fist to punch whoever says summer evenings outside with the fam are great.





(not really, you know me... 1) i'd never punch anyone. ever. 2) any evening hanging out with the mister and the spawn is fantastic.)

i think maybe i should go to the doctor.

arrivederci,
rebecca marie

it's friday it's friday

arrivederci, rebecca marie

are you a boy or a girl? and if you KNOW for sure, do you take that knowledge for granted?

this is a video created by my cousin-in-law, melissa harrington wolf. it is about the journey taken by her husband, my cousin colin. my cousin colin, who as a little six year old girl called colleen would pray to God that she would wake up tomorrow with a penis. she would tell God that if she could try the penis out for just one day, she would give it back the next day (all while planning to trick God, and keep the penis, because she knew that it was right. that she should have been born with one to begin with). i love my cousin and i accept him unconditionally.

i share this because i love him, and i think that lack of information is the greatest creator of fear other than the devil himself. i realize that i have a conservative readership, but i trust you all to respond with kindness and not cruelty.

enjoy this beautiful photographic journey.



arrviderci, rebecca marie

rock the vote. don't forget to drop off your ballot by tuesday (if you're an oregonian).

arrivederci, rebecca marie

why being a girl is sometimes not 100% awesome

arrivederci, rebecca marie

from 2 lbs to 18 in ten weeks flat

i. love. daisy.





arrivederci, rebecca marie

hi! hi! hi! hi! hi!

arrivederci, rebecca marie

NO FOOD IN THE BATHROOM GARBAGE!

arrivederci, rebecca marie

sugar coated draisins: better than fraisins

arrivederci, rebecca marie

yesssss

arrivederci, rebecca marie

we were meant for this ladies

we can do it. we were built for it. it shouldn't be traumatic. of course, sometimes everthing doesn't go perfectly, but we need to stop selling ourselves short. we need to stop blindly believing everything that western medicine tells us and go back to the basics of our fearfully and wonderfully made bodies. don't go in asking for drugs. let your mind and spirit listen to your body. your body will do what it is supposed to do.

and if your body doesn't cooperate, then we can praise the lord that there are people smart enough to have figured out other methods (drugs and surgeries). but don't go into a natural experience planning on unnatural intervention.

this woman is my hero.

(this is not graphic... it's just a video of how she chose to manage labor)



arrivederci, rebecca marie

daisy

i got a dog and her name is daisy and she's black and everything. she is TINY. we got her a week ago when she was only five weeks old because her mommy stopped nursing her. her mommy is a chocolate lab and her daddy is a rotweiller. she is comprised of awesome. last thursday when i took her to the doctor she only weighed 2.1 pounds. oh heck yes. miniature big dog.

i love her. i love her so hard. which is super awesome because i hate dogs. daisy rocks the house though. she makes me so happy. and she goes potty outside so good that she gets an a+ in going potty. she is the valedictorian of potty.

and she still has puppy breath and she is superior to every other dog.

and this is her sitting on the he-spawns lap on the way home for the first time,



and this is her and the she-spawn,



and this is her in the corner of the couch and she is not in trouble even though her face looks kind of sad. she just looks kind of sad because i wasn't holding her at that exact moment,



and you should come visit her. for reals. i want her to meet lots of people and other dogs right away so that she stays awesome.

i. love. daisy.

arrivederci, rebecca marie

recently overheard at my house

the mister - (directed at the ps3) oh my.... MOSES!

the she-spawn - (angrily) do not say Gods name in vain!

the mister - i didn't. i said "moses."

the she-spawn - (invoking the wrath of God) DO NOT TAKE THE NAMES OF GODS FRIENDS IN VAIN!

arrivederci, rebecca marie

sweet child o' mine

no, really... that was a double entendre.

here's part of the first verse...



here's part of the chorus...



'nuff said.

arrivederci, rebecca marie

conversation that just happened

she-spawn - mommy, why do you like coffee so much?

me - (in a very dramatic voice) because it is the elixir of life.

she-spawn - (shaking her head gravely) no it isn't...

me - then what is?

she-spawn - God.

'nuff said.

(this is way different than the conversation that happened two nights ago, which was equally awesome for very different reasons)

she-spawn - mommy, why do you wear two bras when you exercise?

me - 'cause i've got HUGE knockers.

she-spawn - (said with uncanny joey tribianni inflection) YEAH YOU DO!

she makes my heart sing.

arrivederci, rebecca marie

all the world is a stage

i have nothing to say here. i mean it. i felt like writing up one of these here blog posts, but i'm bone dry. do you guys think that if i keep typing i'll eventually think of something to say? cause i seriously doubt it.

i'll tell you about my office. i have an office, for reals. it is in a closet. it has a table and shelves and a light and a phone and a clock and a bulletin board and a radio and a rubix cube and a roll of toilet paper and a calendar and a computer and everything. just like a real office only it's in a closet. that's because i make good use of space. fo sho.

also i can tell you about my delicious cheese ball that i make for the holildays. it is so good. you can set it out and let it get slightly warmer than it was in the fridge and then you can spread it on a cracker. and i'm not going ot tell you what is in it because then you would all like, make it and stuff, and then it wouldn't be my cheese ball anymore. plus? you know what else? who doesn't like to say "cheese ball." cheese ball is fun to say.

so i was netflixin' it up, hard core. watching the first season of heroes on "watch it now." it is basically awesome. but here's what happened. i ran out of minutes or hours or whatever. so i had to upgrade my netflix plan in order to finish season one. this is what i mean when i say that i have impulse control issues. that sums it up right there.

welp. there you have it.

and here for your viewing pleasure is the she-spawn. she's all like, in ballet and stuff. some might call her perfection.



arrivederci, rebecca marie

i wish i knew these people

arrivederci, rebecca marie

pictures guaranteed to amaze and astound you

so this is a thingy by my house (hey, you can call that number and find out where it is and if you wanted to stalk me you'd be REALLY warm if we were playing the "warmer.... colder...." game.) and it says this and everything. awesome.



and this is this kid called sang who me and my friend shanna (this is me and shanna)



(do you like my double chin? do you looooove it?)

(let's face it, from that angle, it's a full double face. yessss. double face.)

(anyway)

this is this kid called sang who me and my friend shanna called peter cause he was catholic and that's the name he got when he got baptised and stuff and anyway i useta haveta take him to school and this is him. this is how he looked everyday in the car and it was awesome too and so you should see it.



you just can't make this stuff up. and also sang used to live with shanna but he doesn't anymore because now he lives in china and wook lives with shanna now. shanna sometimes calls wook "luke," and i sometimes call wook "roy."

arreviderci, rebecca marie

please don't read my blog, jon voight

i was just watching national treasure (national treasure deaux is almost here can i get a "what? what?") and i realized that there are some actors who creep me out just by looking at them and it doesn't really matter what they are doing because they are just plain creepy and not in a "you're super cool creepy" way like christopher walken and one of those people who is just plain creepy is jon voight.

jon voight, if you are reading this blog please don't. cause you sincerely creep me out.

for reals.

arrivederci, rebecca marie

the really really real reason that the ducks are comprised of awesome

so the ducks are all like awesome and stuff and have some sincerely boss fooooosball skillz. the game on saturday was the most fun i've ever had in thirteen years of doing it up autzen style.

but here is the real reason why the ducks are my number one team.

story number one:

a few weeks back, i muscled the he-spawn up to jonathan stewart (oh heck yes, i said jonathan stewart) and he signed an autograph for the wee feller. then i took this here picture. but what makes it awesome is how many times jonathan patted my boy on the mellon and said "praise jesus man, praise the lord, dude, jesus is number one."

right. on.



story bee (can i get a check jerry seinfeld?):

on saturday i muscled my boy through the crowd formed around kwame agyeman (i should say here, that at this point in both stories, the mister says to me he goes, "he's never gonna get up there," and i said to the mister, "oh yeah? watch me.") and i said to kwame, "hey, could i take a picture of you with my son (i actually said "son," i know... wierd)?" and he says to me he goes, "sure." so i say, "boy, go stand right next to him, and i'll take your picture while he keeps signing autographs." and kwame looks up and says, "no, hang on." then he finishes the autograph he's on, takes off his hemet and hunkers down next to the he-spawn and full on poses with my boy.



basically. awesome.

i'm telling you. be nice to my kid? i'll love you forever. oh. heck. yes.

other parents, can i get an amen?

arrivederci,
rebecca marie

jesus for king '08

i'm a disgusting piece of woman meat.

in thirty-four years on this planet, i've had two hickeys. or is it hickies? see, i don't even know. one the mister planted on my neck when we were dating, as a JOKE, not knowing how QUICK they happened. he was horrifed, i was humiliated, it's not happened again.

so imagine my horror when he says to me yesterday, "oh my word, did i do that?"

"what?" i say

"on your neck...." he says

"WHAT ON MY NECK???" i yell, panicking...

"that hickey."

so he takes a picture with my phone (cause it was handy, you know).

yes ladies and gentlemen... i went to tlc with a hickey on the back of my neck. cause apparently, i'm just that classy.

shut up... at least we've still got it, right? right???



arrivederci,
rebecca marie

p.s. mourn with me, i've just lost the mister and the he-spawn to guitar hero 3

how have we regressed so far?

this is from 1977



do it or don't it's your baby's brain development, bonding, etc. at risk, not mine. but for goodness sake, be supportive of those who choose to.

arrivederci, rebecca marie

everything that's right about music and videos

give this your full attention. it deserves it.




arrivederci, rebecca marie

incest is NOT best, do NOT put your cousin to the test

so this one time i totally used to work at dunkin' donuts. for reals. and the smell clings to you, but that's not what i'm here to tell you about.

this one guy named jason used to come in with his weird friend whose name i don't remember and he used to come in right after he went shopping at al's records. al's records was this sincerely awesome used record store where you could buy like, the coolest stacks of wax. it was a sad day when al's closed. but i'm not here to tell you about al's, either.

so jason used to come in and show me like, yaz albums and echo and the bunnymen albums and super awesome stuff like that and me and him we'd talk about how it was sad that people considered duran duran to be alternative when the violent femmes and cake were where it was at. jason was a pretty cool dude and i liked him and everything. i just didn't like the trench coat and the boot chain and the pores that you could keep your spare change in. other than that he was a little bit of alright.

so then i didn't work at dunkin' donuts anymore and so i didn't see jason anymore cause even though he was a major flirt i didn't like, have his number or anything (you know, because of the trench coat and the boot chain and the pores) and instead of dunkin' donuts i worked at plush pippen at the mall. oh heck yes, french silk pie.

so this one time jason and his weird friend whose name i don't remember come up to plush pippen to order a soda and me and jason are all like "hey! it's so good to see you! what have you been up to?" and all that kind of yackety chat. well it turns out that jason and his weird friend whose name i don't remember were all like, taking the bus, hard core, so i volunteered to give them a ride home and everything since jason lived so close to me. and he totally asked for my phone number. totally.

and i gave it to him and here's why. he was the nicest guy. i was really hoping to be able to get over the trench coat and the boot chain and the pores but after hours and hours of phone conversations and one "let's meet up for coffee," type thing, i decided that the trench coat, boot chain and pores did not add up to three. they created a synergy (you know... where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts?) that i just could not get past. so i did what any mature fifteen year old girl does. i started avoiding his calls.

so one day, janni laine totally answers the phone and it's jason and he thinks it's me for a bit, and by the time janni laine is able to tell him it's her, they have already had a few laughs so they keep talking. and so like an hour later, janni laine says to me, "jason seems really nice, would it bother you if i met him for coffee?" and i'm all like, "no."

but here is the thing. i didn't warn her about the trinity. i didn't want to be mean about a really nice guy, cause really, maybe giant pores are a turn on for janni laine.

it turns out they are not. janni laine comes home and she's all like, "between the trench coat and the boot chain and the quarter sized pores, i couldn't even remember that he is so nice and funny. all i saw was greeeeze."

and so from then on, he was known as greasy jason.

so then, like two years later my mom is talking to her cousin brice that she hadn't seen since she was a teenager and brice is all like, "so my son has been living in portland for a few years and i'm so totally gonna give him your number." and my mom was all like, "awesome."

so a few days later, brice's son calls and i answer it and i bet you don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that it was GREASY JASON.

yeah that's right. me and janni laine were thiiiiis close to dating and potentially marrying and having two headed babies with our cousin.

oh heck yes.



arrivederci,
rebecca marie

bet you wish i was your mom

so last night, me and the mister were watching a moving picture show on the glowing box and the she-spawn wouldn't go to sleep. so me and the mister were all like "listen to the he-spawn's ipod while you lay on the couch." you know... so that mayhap she'd go nuh-night and the mister could carry her up to her bed.

so anyway she was wearing only her grunders and a bathing suit over them (cause she's awesome like that, and she had decided that those would make good pyjamas), and she suddenly gets up and takes off the bathing suit and lays back down. then the conversation went like this.

she-spawn - (yelling) these underwear are so tight that they are making a red wrinkle!

me - then take them off and go put on different ones.

she-spawn - (pulling out ipod speakers [i can't say "earbuds," sick.]) what did you say mommy?

me - i said... that is a wish wrinkle! touch it and make a wish.

she-spawn - you mean like, "i wish fergus was back?"

me - no, he's in heaven and he is happy there.

she then placed her hand on her wish wrinkle and closed her eyes and reverently wished her wish.

dang, being a mom is awesome.



arrivederci, rebecca marie

chock full of salty goodness

arrivederci, rebecca marie

in case you were wondering...

deoxyribonucleic acid, can i get a what what?

i seriously think maybe i'm dannilynn's father. for reals.