incest is NOT best, do NOT put your cousin to the test

so this one time i totally used to work at dunkin' donuts. for reals. and the smell clings to you, but that's not what i'm here to tell you about.

this one guy named jason used to come in with his weird friend whose name i don't remember and he used to come in right after he went shopping at al's records. al's records was this sincerely awesome used record store where you could buy like, the coolest stacks of wax. it was a sad day when al's closed. but i'm not here to tell you about al's, either.

so jason used to come in and show me like, yaz albums and echo and the bunnymen albums and super awesome stuff like that and me and him we'd talk about how it was sad that people considered duran duran to be alternative when the violent femmes and cake were where it was at. jason was a pretty cool dude and i liked him and everything. i just didn't like the trench coat and the boot chain and the pores that you could keep your spare change in. other than that he was a little bit of alright.

so then i didn't work at dunkin' donuts anymore and so i didn't see jason anymore cause even though he was a major flirt i didn't like, have his number or anything (you know, because of the trench coat and the boot chain and the pores) and instead of dunkin' donuts i worked at plush pippen at the mall. oh heck yes, french silk pie.

so this one time jason and his weird friend whose name i don't remember come up to plush pippen to order a soda and me and jason are all like "hey! it's so good to see you! what have you been up to?" and all that kind of yackety chat. well it turns out that jason and his weird friend whose name i don't remember were all like, taking the bus, hard core, so i volunteered to give them a ride home and everything since jason lived so close to me. and he totally asked for my phone number. totally.

and i gave it to him and here's why. he was the nicest guy. i was really hoping to be able to get over the trench coat and the boot chain and the pores but after hours and hours of phone conversations and one "let's meet up for coffee," type thing, i decided that the trench coat, boot chain and pores did not add up to three. they created a synergy (you know... where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts?) that i just could not get past. so i did what any mature fifteen year old girl does. i started avoiding his calls.

so one day, janni laine totally answers the phone and it's jason and he thinks it's me for a bit, and by the time janni laine is able to tell him it's her, they have already had a few laughs so they keep talking. and so like an hour later, janni laine says to me, "jason seems really nice, would it bother you if i met him for coffee?" and i'm all like, "no."

but here is the thing. i didn't warn her about the trinity. i didn't want to be mean about a really nice guy, cause really, maybe giant pores are a turn on for janni laine.

it turns out they are not. janni laine comes home and she's all like, "between the trench coat and the boot chain and the quarter sized pores, i couldn't even remember that he is so nice and funny. all i saw was greeeeze."

and so from then on, he was known as greasy jason.

so then, like two years later my mom is talking to her cousin brice that she hadn't seen since she was a teenager and brice is all like, "so my son has been living in portland for a few years and i'm so totally gonna give him your number." and my mom was all like, "awesome."

so a few days later, brice's son calls and i answer it and i bet you don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that it was GREASY JASON.

yeah that's right. me and janni laine were thiiiiis close to dating and potentially marrying and having two headed babies with our cousin.

oh heck yes.



arrivederci,
rebecca marie